The Challenge

I apologize in advance to the readers of this page who are more interested in my every day goings on as opposed to spiritual development/self-analysis/psychobabel. Consider yourself warned. This entry is another one of those...

My guess is that a lot of friends and family back in the states are saying right now that I'm 'finding myself' in Argentina. Some are likely saying so sincerely and others might be doing so smirkingly (but endearingly). Maybe there are conversations in which people say 'Pat is off finding himself in Argentina'. Fair enough. I'd say that's accurate.

My concern is that, at least in the United States, finding oneself is seen as a hippy sort of thing, or something that clueless people do when they have no direction. Sometimes it's used as a blanket response we use to describe what people who aren't doing anything are doing. Oh, they're just finding themselves.

But have most ever considered what it actually means?

I had the vague notion when I decided to come down to Argentina for a year that I was leaving to find myself, despite the fact that I had plenty of practical reasons to come here. I knew I wanted a spiritual component to my journey but I had no idea what it would be, how to articulate it, or how to structure it or go about finding what I was looking for. I just had a vague notion that something was missing, I hadn't been as healthy as I wanted to be. Also, my life direction had been changing so rapidly in the years leading up to my decision to move that it was obvious that I hadn't much of a clue or control of my life.

In any case, after months here of free association reflection, I think I have finally figured out what finding yourself means. And it's not hippy or new age or embarrasing.

So to me anyway, finding yourself means learning about and knowing yourself so well that you're able to decide how you need to position yourself in the world in order to be in harmony, in order to be the person and do the things that make you content and happy. Like a surfer riding a wave effortlessly as opposed to one who is tossed around like drift wood.

How many of us can say that before we went to college or chose a profession or chose to get married and have a family that we really took the time to reflect on who we are and whether those decisions were in harmony with our true selves? As for myself, I believe that some of my decisions have been lucky and that most have been flippant. The decision to become a school psychologist I believe was lucky. As a freshman in college, I really liked psychology and so I decided to become some type of psychologist. Luckily, this interest stuck while most like it have faded.

Most of my decisions, on the other hand, have been more or less grasping for direction and opportunity, or following momentary interests. My decisions have largely been based on economics and convenience and have been removed from the context of myself.

Now is the first time that I can remember honestly thinking...What do I really want to do? How do I truly want to spend my days? What are the characteristics of my personality? How do those characteristics match the life I've chosen? How can I change my life to better fit my personality, propensities, biology.

So I'm over 8 months into my trip and I'm just now defining the question or framing the mission. Have I managed to figure out a little bit about myself in the meantime as well? Yes, I think a little, but it's only a start. It was hard to find the answer to a question I didn't know.

So yesterday a friend and new reader of the blog challenged me....He said, Here you are this guy who is introspective and who claims that he's made all these personal gains in Argentina and now you're going to leave for the stability of the U.S. as well as your old job and ego. Aren't you worried you're going to undo all the work you've done? Why do you want to go back to the way things were if you're claiming that this has been such an important experience? Don't you want to keep moving forward with your personal development?

I considered it quickly and knew he was right. Returning to my old lifestyle and way of thinking will be retreating from the learning process. Hiding myself through material and psychological ego (Nice stuff and my job title) will only make it harder for me to know me. What I need is a way to continue my path toward self understanding when I return to the states. I need to resist the temptation to put on the comfy cloak of ego so that I can maintain a high level of self awareness and express myself.