30

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy 30th birthday last Monday! I had no problem with the idea that my birthday might fly under the radar this year, but no such luck:)

So I suppose I should ruminate on having turned 30. How my life has changed. If I feel different. Plans for the future. Insights. Etc...

In reality, birthdays and the years are arbitrary dates on which we have chosen to celebrate or reflect on the passing of another year. The only real cosmic significance of my birthday is that in the time that I have been alive, the Earth has spun in an eliptical orbit exactly 30 times around the sun.

At any rate, we've made meaning out of birthdays and years and 30 especially is supposed to mean something, right? 30 is supposed to mean that I've grown up, I'm an adult. I should be settling down now, married or on my way, starting a family, established in a job with upward mobility. Something like that.

I guess that I've chosen at least a slightly different path. I suppose I'm grown up but I haven't settled down, I'm nowhere near married (and even further from having a family), I gave up my good job in the States, and my future is at present very uncertain. Next year I will likely end up in Ohio, North Carolina, Colorado, Georgia, or (if the economy continues its nosedive) back in Buenos Aires. While none of these is a bad option, it certainly is a sign of someone whose life is in flux, who has not settled, who has options but no clear and definite path. Que se yo.

So the question is, do I feel pressure to conform? Is it weird to have brothers and sisters and parents who were all more or less married with children by this age? Do I feel the pressure of being the only member of my family without a spouse and kid(s) ? Do I feel the need to reenter the rat race, to stake out my piece of the American dream? Am I worried about becoming 'that uncle'? (That is, the unreliable youngest who never married nor settled) Or just what's going through my head now that I'm 30?

Of course I didn't feel different from one day to the next. One day I was 29 and the next I was 30. But what do I feel and what am I thinking in general now?

One thing that I'm learning is that a lot can change in a year or in a short period of time. You can have say 3 years of relative stability during which you change very little as a person and then one year in which your life turns in a very different direction. The two life events that affected me the most were going through basic training at the Air Force Academy and moving to Argentina for a year. Both events have played a formative role in my personality and the direction of my life. And both events packed the life changing value of any other 5-10 year span.

As a result of my time in the Air Force Academy, I gained a new motivation and ambition to test my limits and consciously shape and form my future. I went from being an unmotivated and occasionally delinquent adolescent to being (after an embarasing first semester) a curious and driven college student. Were it not for the Air Force Academy, I don't think I would be as educated or learned in general. The experience woke me up.

Argentina on the other hand has quieted me, taught me how to relax, made me sharper, smarter, more direct, and competent. I've also learned to be more patient here and have improved my communication skills. I've begun to see the world as an Argentine and come close to gaining a new identity as a Porteno (although that's nothing to brag about). I've learned the value of defining life without work. I've altered my goals from all concrete to include more overarching themes and guides. That is, I used to have goals such as 'Complete a novel', 'Learn Spanish', 'Achieve Doctorate', 'Spend a year in another country'. Now my goals include: 'Do what makes you content or happy', 'Learn more about yourself so that you can figure out what type of life and career will make you content and possibly happy', 'Take time to connect with people', 'Make your family a priority'.

But that's all good stuff. Buenos Aires has also made me less innocent, less trusting, less confident in the goodness of the world and the motivations of people. I often catch myself becoming ultra critical of almost anyone or thing that crosses my mind. My mind seeks out inconsistencies and weaknesses, any reason not to trust or to be wary. It's almost as if the big city has infected me with this world view as a means of survival. I hope to shake out of it when I return to the states, but my guess is that it will linger for a while.

Another 30 thought I've had is the recognition of a pattern in my life. I have a tendency to become very passionate about something for a year or two and then to move into a period of unrest and then relaxation followed by the emergence of a new passion. I can remember the pattern of passions in chronological order: TV, Basketball, Golf, Reading, Psychology, Writing, Politics, Stock Market, Spanish, Argentina. The passions come and go and leave me more knowledgeable, but I haven't been able to focus on any one thing for what most people would consider to be a substantial period. Do I want this to change? Is it ok? Does it make me happy to be this way? I haven't yet figured out the answers to those questions.

And as far as pressure to conform to the standards and norms set by society and my family. I guess I do feel some pressure to settle down. If I felt no pressure, I suppose I'd continue to wander and try out new living arrangements throughout the world. But in addition to the pressure to settle down, I also have a wholly personal desire to find home. I want to have some place where I can truly feel relaxed and gain a level of low stress that I haven't felt since I was a kid. I'm talking quiet, soft couches, stocked refrigerator, friendly and trustworthy neighbors, safe neighborhood, good weather, garden. I think my life has been in maybe too much flux for the past few years and my body and mind are ready for some much deserved relaxation and settling. Don't get me wrong, I think I will always yearn for learning experiences like Argentina, but I'd like them to be tempered by occasional stability and the option of comfort too. Having my cake and eating it.

But I don't feel any pressure to have a family. I work with kids in my jobs and have 9 sobrinos. If I find the right woman, I'd be happy to start up a family, but if not, I could be happy single.

I think a lot of 30 year olds who aren't engaged or married begin to come to terms with the idea that they may not have the spouse, 2 kids, dog, and picket fence version of life. You slowly become satisfied with the idea that it could be just you. And all of a sudden, it's ok if there is no one else. (That said, I would like a black cat named 13, a garden, and to walk pound dogs a few days a week. And I would also like to try out some type of loosely affiliated religion like Quakerism in which I would have a weekly time of reflection or meditation.)

I do, however, feel some pressure to return to my career. I would like to feel a sense of meaning greater than myself again. I've been quite wrapped up in 'me' in Buenos Aires and while I feel like it's necessary and very enjoyable, I don't want to make a habit of it. And I'd like to return to having a bit of ego again. Going without ego and having to reestablish ego has been a fun challenge and I'm not sure that I ever want my ego fully back again. I think I am a better person without it. However, not having much ego for long periods of time can be stressful and stunting. I think I may need a bit of ego again to have the confidence to move forward with future goals and to maybe live up to my potential, and er to have the guts to ask someone out on a date.

The thought that I'll conclude with is that I think that I'm moving in the direction of becoming a university professor in school psychology or educational leadership. That is, I will likely wind up going back to school for a doctorate of some sort. I loved teaching university students as a graduate assistant and according to the feedback I received, the students enjoyed it too. I dealt with no behavior issues and almost every class was an opportunity to have an intense and fulfiling class discussion. Sincere, honest, and intense communication is quite possibly my favorite activity in life. Teaching at the university level has been the only job I've had that's allowed for this on an almost every day basis.

I also think that I've learned enough about myself to know that I could be very happy with the lifestyle of a professor. I'd have plenty of independence, time for my daily swims, intelligent interactions with students and colleagues, time to myself, and most importantly... freedom to be myself. I think I could be very happy growing old into professorhood, writing articles about democracy and education, child development, and public schools.... eating well enough, and of course coming home to my black cat named 13, garden, and walking a pound dog a few times a week. Granted, I'll never get rich and I'll likely never achieve any sort of fame, but I think I could be very content and maybe continue to travel regularly too..... I think it sounds as if I've just turned 60 instead of 30.

Of course I've probably had more general thoughts about turning 30 but the aforementioned have been on my mind lately. And if you're wondering what I did on February 23rd? As it turns out, I was lucky enough to have my bro Kevin in town and we spent the day in the Argentine countryside (A town called Tandil). Kevin and I hiked 16 kilometers in the mountains, ate at an obscenely good all you can eat buffet, sampled local cheeses, and slept in a quiet cabin outside of town in the pampa. I couldn't have asked for much more.