Friends

One popular phenomenon that I find unfortunate is the Facebook or MySpace option of ranking your friends or even including a list of top friends. The idea that one feels the need to present to the world a list of best buddies-sometimes with a ranking order-to me shows a lack of self-esteem, lack of empathy, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, a huge ego. After all, the underlying assumption is: I can take you off this list of best buds just as soon as I put you on so what are you going to do to hold your place? It's as if friends have become to some degree like hotel reviews on hotels.com. That is, you'd better not treat me poorly or I'll let the whole world know. Just as embarasingly, this sort of behavior shows a lack of self esteem. A person who feels the need to point out their best friends is telling the world: I not only have friends, I have really close ones too (and some are closer than others). And the ranked friends have the opportunity to vie for improved spots. I have witnessed friends of mine engage in passive aggressive arguments about why their rankings were lowered on their friend's MySpace page.

I think it is also not impossible that people compete for their rankings on their friends' pages. It's almost as if people who rank friends are constantly threatening their friends by knife point. One slip and you're sleeping with the fishes, to be removed to the rest of the not really friends portion of the page where I collect friends like baseball cards.

I think that this sort of behavior disallows honest interaction. A good friend is not always someone who kisses up to you or avoids criticism out of a desire to move up in your rankings or for fear of losing their spot. A good friend tells you what you need to hear. They listen closely, try to put aside their own projections, and give you objective feedback. Sometimes friends mess up and sometimes they forget to call or get busy. But when you really need them they are there. Friends then shouldn't be ranked or held self-consciously accountable on a daily basis. They need to be free to be themselves and driven to be your friend by a mutually shared connection, a desire to interact with you as opposed to fear of penalty or desire for public praise-carrot and stick. The latter approach to friendship fulfills superficial needs while the former touches the soul.

I think this discussion is a useful segue for me to discus making and maintaining friendships in Buenos Aires.

It is often said that people make a place. I agree. Buenos Aires is an amazing city filled with beautiful European style apartments, incredible food, neverending nightlife, and more cool little cafes than you could dream up. But the reason I came back here was the people. At first, Portenos (people from BA) tend to be wary and closed off to new people. After a conversation or two, however, they become extremely close and before you know it, you are at their dinner table and their parents are kissing you on the cheek and shedding tears when you leave. The people are not only very close and caring, they also take time to talk to each other, to connect for hours at a time over coffee and cake. And because they've spent so much of their lives talking with each other, they're good at it. They actually listen. They are more curious about you than they are generally in need of talking about themselves (they go to psychologists for that). The point is that for anyone seeking hearty Campbells Soup connection through words, Buenos Aires is your town.

I realized again how important friendship is to me after talking with a friend at the park for over 3 hours last Sunday. I was supposed to be teaching English, which I did, but after a few hours, the conversation slipped from English to Spanish as needed in order to explain more detailed opinions, thoughts, and feelings. It turns out that both my new friend and I are at similiar points in our life. We both are looking for a city, town, or place in which to settle. We like where we currently are but are missing something and don't feel satisfied enough to put down roots. Erica and I talked about the importance of making a deliberate decision about where to live and how one goes about doing it. We came to the conclusion that it's probably like marrying someone: you have an objective list of what you want, but chemistry is also very important. We also decided that it was important that we both make lists of things that are important to us in a city and life in general. For me, the #1 most important thing is great communication with people through words. #2 is people who are open-minded, thoughtful, and willing to take the time to talk. These two things are my bread and butter and for me they come from family and good friends. (The icing on the cake of good verbal communication for me is communication in a second language with someone from an entirely different cultural background.)

I left the conversation with my new friend feeling warm and satisfied. From that point, I stopped back at my apartment to cook a carrot cake and upon completing it, carried it over to the home of Argelia and Guillermo, my former host mother and father (featured in the picture above with my mom and myself). Argelia and Guillermo were the first friends I made in Buenos Aires. They more or less taught me to relax and enjoy good conversation and had this past Sunday afternoon invited me to tea hour with the extended family. So, for almost 3 hours more, I sat around another table talking with the large extended family of Argelia. These types of days are what I love about Buenos Aires and why I will miss it when I leave.

In the months leading up to my trip to BA, I had become a bit of a shut-in, rarely leaving the apartment except to work and interacting with friends only through the internet. So, when I came here, the transition was difficult. I continued at first to spend a great deal of time working and on my computer. I had forgotten the importance of friends and felt that too much time with friends was unproductive and that I should concentrate instead on furthering myself through work and projects. This past Sunday, however, taught me anew how important friends are, that good friends and communication can be like nourishment, and that they can help you develop and grow and learn.

I'm beginning to get a handle on my work schedule and to feel comfortable in my jobs. Now, I can begin to reconnect with the friends I made last year as well as search out new friends. I feel as though I figured out why I liked Buenos Aires so much last year. It isn't the killer cab drivers, smog spewing buses, dog poop smeared sidewalks, or swindlers a plenty. It's the good people and great conversation, two things I've been ignoring since I've been here this time around. It's the same reason why Argentines, I think, are so loathe to leave their homeland, despite its unnerving and perpetual economic and political instability. Because, when you have close family and friends and nourishing communication and you value those things, you don't need much more. The world could be crumbling down around you but as long as you have what you need, it doesn't so much matter.

The Argentines I talk with during conversation classes at Hewlett Packard echo this sentiment. Many had the opportunity to move to the U.S. to work, but they didn't. They talk about how depressed they were after spending 2 or 3 weeks in Houston or Miami, how everyone there goes home after work to watch tv or play on the computer instead of connecting through conversation. They would miss the lifestyle of Argentina too much to trade it for the money, material, and stability of the U.S.

In the U.S., we often talk about how everyone around the world wants to live in the U.S. And many do. The draw of wealth and prosperity is significant. For many Argentinians, however, the money would mean very little without their families and friends. And I'm guessing too that less Argentines than U.S. citizens feel the need to rank their friends on the world wide web. After all, there isn't as much time to worry about rankings when you're actually spending time together.